How to Talk So Kids Will Listen and Listen So Kids Will Talk by Faber and Mazlish - Summary

The following is a summary of the book How to Talk So Kids Will Listen and Listen So Kids Will Talk by Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish.

Are you tired of constant power struggles with your children? Do you yearn for a more peaceful and cooperative family life? How to Talk So Kids Will Listen & Listen So Kids Will Talk by Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish offers a revolutionary approach to communication that can transform your relationships with children of all ages. This book, praised by parents and professionals worldwide, provides practical, respectful, and effective strategies to help you connect with your children, understand their feelings, and foster cooperation, and it will help you stop fighting and start connecting with your children. This summary will help you understand the key concepts quickly and decide if this book is right for you.

Table of Contents

• About the Author
• Who Should Read This Book?
• Key Insights and Themes
• Detailed Summary
• Review
• Actionable Takeaways
• FAQs
• Conclusion

About the Author

Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish are internationally acclaimed experts in communication between adults and children. They have won the gratitude of parents and the enthusiastic endorsement of the professional community. They studied with the late child psychologist Dr. Haim Ginott and are former faculty members of the New School for Social Research and the Family Life Institute of Long Island University. Their work is not just based on theory; they are also parents of three children each. Faber and Mazlish have authored several bestselling books, including "Siblings Without Rivalry" and "How to Talk So Teens Will Listen & Listen So Teens Will Talk". Their group workshop programs and videos produced by PBS are used by parents and teachers globally to improve relationships with children. Their first book, Liberated Parents/Liberated Children, received the Christopher Award. They have also appeared on major television talk shows.

Who Should Read This Book?

This book is a valuable resource for anyone who interacts with children, including:

• Parents: Whether you have toddlers, teenagers, or any age in between, this book offers practical tools to navigate the daily challenges of parenting.
• Teachers: The communication skills in this book can create a more respectful and cooperative classroom environment.
• Caregivers: If you work with children, this book will help you build stronger, more meaningful relationships.
• Anyone seeking better communication skills: The principles in this book are not just for children; they can also be applied to improve any relationship.
• Those who feel stuck in old, ineffective parenting patterns: If you find yourself resorting to yelling, threats, or punishments that don’t work, this book can provide a new path.
• Parents of children with special needs: The principles of the book have been found effective with children who have ADHD and autism.

Key Insights and Themes

• Empathy is Key: Acknowledging and validating children's feelings is crucial for building trust and connection.
• Cooperation over Control: Engaging children's cooperation through respectful communication is more effective than demanding obedience.
• Alternatives to Punishment: There are many effective ways to guide children's behaviour without resorting to punishment.
• Encouraging Autonomy: Fostering independence and self-reliance is essential for children's development.
• The Power of Descriptive Praise: Using specific, descriptive praise is more impactful than general praise .
• Freeing Children from Roles: Help children see themselves in a new, more positive light by avoiding labels and expectations.
• Respectful communication is essential for healthy relationships..
• There are skills to help navigate common problems.

Detailed Summary

This book is divided into seven chapters, each focusing on a specific aspect of communication:

Chapter 1: Helping Children Deal with Their Feelings

• Listen with full attention instead of half-listening.
• Acknowledge feelings with a word, like “Oh,” “Mmm,” or “I see”.
• Give the feeling a name, like “That sounds frustrating!”
• Give their wishes in fantasy, like “I wish I could make that banana ripe right now!”
• Resist the temptation to give immediate advice and instead continue to reflect your child’s feelings.
• It is important to be compassionate in your attitude, or your words will be experienced as phony.
• Many of our casual exchanges with our children do not require empathy; empathy is most important when a child wants you to know how he feels.
• The key is to recognize what a child is experiencing.

Chapter 2: Engaging Cooperation

• Describe the problem rather than blaming or accusing. Instead of saying, "You always leave your toys out," try "I see toys on the floor."
• Give information rather than lectures. Instead of "You need to put your dirty clothes in the hamper," say, "Dirty clothes go in the hamper."
• Use a single word instead of long explanations. Instead of “You need to put your dishes in the sink," try saying "Dishes.".
• Talk about your feelings, using "I" statements. Instead of saying, “You’re making me angry," try "I feel frustrated when the dishes aren’t done.".
• Write a note. A note can be a fun or effective way to communicate.
• Be aware of the feelings your words can create in children.
• Make no comments about your child’s character or personality.
• Be genuine and avoid being hurtful.

Chapter 3: Alternatives to Punishment

• Point out a way to be helpful.
• Express strong disapproval without attacking character.
• State your expectations.
• Show the child how to make amends.
• Offer a choice.
• Take action.
• Allow the child to experience the consequences of his misbehavior.
• Use problem-solving.

Problem-Solving Steps * Talk about the child’s feelings and needs. * Talk about your feelings and needs. * Brainstorm together to find a mutually agreeable solution. * Write down all ideas without evaluating. * Decide which suggestions you like, which you don’t like, and which you plan to follow through on.

Chapter 4: Encouraging Autonomy

• Let children make choices.
• Show respect for a child’s struggle.
• Don’t ask too many questions.
• Don’t rush to answer questions.
• Encourage children to use sources outside the home.
• Don’t take away hope.
• Let children own their own bodies by refraining from excessive fussing.
• Stay out of the minutiae of a child’s life.
• All of the skills in this book help children see themselves as separate, responsible, competent people.

Chapter 5: Praise

• Instead of evaluating (“Good” . . . “Great!” . . . “Fantastic!”), describe.
  • Describe what you see. “I see a clean floor, a smooth bed, and books neatly lined up on the shelf.”
  • Describe what you feel. “It’s a pleasure to walk into this room!”
  • Sum up the child’s praiseworthy behavior with a word. “You sorted out your Legos, cars, and farm animals, and put them in separate boxes. That’s what I call organization!”
• Avoid using praise that creates the need to keep earning praise .
• Be selective in your use of praise .

Chapter 6: Freeing Children from Playing Roles

• Look for opportunities to show the child a new picture of himself or herself.
• Put children in situations where they can see themselves differently.
• Let children overhear you say something positive about them.
• Model the behavior you’d like to see.
• Be a storehouse for your child’s special moments.
• When your child behaves according to the old label, state your feelings and/or your expectations.

Chapter 7: Putting It All Together

• This chapter illustrates the contrast between a well-intentioned parent and a parent who relates with skill and love.
• It emphasizes the importance of a holistic approach to parenting, integrating the various communication skills.
• The goal is to help each other feel good about themselves.

Review

How to Talk So Kids Will Listen & Listen So Kids Will Talk is a highly practical and valuable guide for anyone seeking to improve their communication with children. The book's strengths include:

• Practical and Actionable: The book provides concrete examples and step-by-step instructions, making it easy to apply the concepts in real life.
• Respectful Approach: The emphasis on empathy, validation, and cooperation fosters a positive and respectful relationship with children.
• Comprehensive Coverage: The book addresses a wide range of parenting challenges, from handling negative feelings to engaging cooperation.
• Empowering for Parents: It equips parents with the tools they need to be more effective and less stressed.
• Real-Life Examples: The use of cartoons and real-life anecdotes makes the concepts relatable and easy to understand.
• Enduring Relevance: Even decades after its initial publication, the principles remain relevant.

Some potential weaknesses of the book may include:

• Requires Practice: The techniques require conscious effort and practice, which can be challenging for busy parents.
• Not a Quick Fix: The methods require a change in mindset and cannot be implemented as a quick fix.
• May Require Adjustments: The specific skills might need to be adjusted based on the child and the circumstances.

Overall, the book's strengths far outweigh its weaknesses. Its enduring popularity is a testament to its effectiveness and relevance.

Actionable Takeaways

• Start Small: Choose one skill to focus on each week and practice it consistently.
• Be Mindful of Your Language: Pay attention to the words you use and how they might be received by children.
• Validate Feelings: Whenever your child expresses a feeling, acknowledge it without judgment.
• Offer Choices: Give your children a sense of control by offering them choices whenever possible .
• Practice Descriptive Praise: Instead of saying “good job,” describe what you specifically appreciated .
• Involve Children in Problem Solving: Instead of imposing solutions, brainstorm together and come up with mutually agreeable options.
• Seek Support: Connect with other parents who are using these methods to discuss challenges and share successes.
• Be Patient and Kind to Yourself: Changing your communication habits takes time, so don’t get discouraged by setbacks.
• Be Authentic: Make sure that you are expressing your true feelings and not just using techniques.
• Use “I” statements.
• Use notes when it suits you.

FAQs

• What is "How to Talk So Kids Will Listen & Listen So Kids Will Talk" about?
  It is a parenting book that offers practical communication skills to build stronger, more respectful relationships with children.
• Who are the authors of the book?
  The authors are Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish, both experts in communication between adults and children.
• Is "How to Talk So Kids Will Listen & Listen So Kids Will Talk" worth reading?
  Yes, this book is highly recommended for anyone seeking to improve their communication with children. It offers valuable tools and techniques that can transform your relationships.
• Is this book only for parents?
  No, the communication skills in this book can be applied to any relationship. It is valuable for teachers, caregivers, and anyone seeking better communication skills.
• What if my child doesn’t respond to the new skills?
  Children aren’t robots. These skills are designed to create a climate of respect that fosters cooperation, not manipulate behavior.
• Will this book help with teenagers?
  Yes, the skills in this book can be applied to any age. There is also a companion book for parents of teenagers titled "How to Talk So Teens Will Listen & Listen So Teens Will Talk".
• Is this book relevant in today's world?
  Yes, the principles in the book are more important than ever.

Conclusion

How to Talk So Kids Will Listen & Listen So Kids Will Talk is more than just a parenting guide; it is a roadmap to creating more respectful and connected relationships with children. By learning these communication skills, you can transform your family life from one of constant struggle to one of cooperation, understanding, and mutual respect. Don’t wait another day to start building the relationships you and your children deserve.

How to Talk So Kids Will Listen & Listen So Kids Will Talk

by Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish

Buy this book on Amazon

As an Amazon Associate, ShelfHelp may earn money from qualifying purchases. Needless to say, ShelfHelp only includes affiliate links to books we recommend and think are worth your time reading.